Gratitude and DBT!

The holidays are hard sometimes and bring out the complexity of our human experience. We may be surrounded by family and still feel empty. We might be grieving and feel happy being with those who are here with us. We might feel grateful for all that we have in this life and sad for what we have never had. It is okay to feel grateful and other emotions like sadness, anger, loneliness, and grief at the same time. Our feelings can coexist and each be valid in their own separate experiences and stories. This concept is also known as “dialectics” coming from DBT, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, an evidence-based treatment, founded by Marsha Linehan. Dialectics means “the idea that opposing ideas, emotions, or experiences can coexist.” The DBT framework aims to teach us how to practice acceptance in our lives and also work towards changing behaviors that do not serve us.

We can try practicing gratitude and also honor other emotions that are impacting us this holiday season. An example of this could be “I am grateful I get to spend Thanksgiving with my family, and I also feel lonely because I do not have a partner to spend it with this year.” One technique to help us practice dialectics is the “but/and” trick. Anytime you hear yourself saying “but” try replacing it with “and.” For example, instead of “I love the holidays, but they make me sad” changing the language to “I love the holidays, and they make me sad sometimes.”

Although this seems like a small change in our wording and thoughts, it can help create mindfulness around the way we may accept or reject certain feelings we experience because we feel they are either right or wrong. Ultimately, we can try and give ourselves permission to have coexisting and opposing experiences. All feelings are valid, and we all deserve the space to express them without judgment. We can even try practicing gratitude for the difficult times in life and discomfort our emotions bring, as they have hidden messages for us, and act as antecedents, for future growth, deeper understanding, and introspection. What are you feeling grateful for today? What other emotions and experiences exist for you?